Last time on the 'Street, Hanson joins the Jump Street Team. Is a major tool. Screws things up. Kenny Weckerly is addicted to drugs and owes Tyrell money. Hanson goes undercover at their school and has a run in with Tyrell. Jenko smokes a lot of pot. Hoffs is a girl. Penhall is hot. Ioki is useless.
We arrive back at the Chapel at the end of the previous day's events, and Hanson marches in all huffy and wants to debrief. Ioki, Penhall, and Jenko don't hear him because they are too busy playing a game of homoerotic frisbee where they grab at each other more than throw the thing. Hanson almost has a temper tantrum so Jenko agrees, but he hates the word debrief. "It sounds so... Republican." Hey Hanson takes offense to that! He is a Republican!
Ioki hands over a pack of coke that he got the day before. Is he really supposed to hold on to this for so long? Is that how police work? I feel like I need a criminal justice consultant for these recaps. Hanson starts reading off a timelog of all the day's events. The rest of the gang suffer in agony. Until Penhall yells, "Get to the point!" like a... teenager.
Hanson reports on Tyrell, also called Waxer, who had tried to beat him up the day before. He also tells them that he also saw Kenny, who may owe Tyrell money. Ioki and Hanson will do a 24-hour stakeout on Kenny's house.
Stakeout. They are literally parked IN FRONT of Kenny's house with no other cars on the street. Not suspicious at all. Ioki tries to make bffs with Hanson by telling him that when he was an immigrant, and he learned English from Dragnet. He though a "stakeout" meant getting a guy a sirloin. Don't ask him what he thought "assume the position" meant! Hardy har! We also learn that Hanson's father was a great cop, and that he died in the line of duty. Suddenly Kenny leaves on his Vespa, and Hanson is probably relieved they get to follow him and not have to talk to Ioki. I mean, Hanson was probably wondering if Ioki immigrated legally. They scrunch down in their seats so Kenny doesn't see them. But not the whole way. They are the worst cops ever.
They follow Kenny on his paper route, until they see him do a "smash n'grab", which is super technical police talk for smashing a window and stealing the merch behind it. For some reaswon they chase him in the car while driving backwards? And then they lose him and Ioki smashes into a pole. What the fuck? The kid is on a Vespa. Then their backup arrives, sirens blairing, but Ioki tries to outrun the other cop, because "he's ours!" I have no idea what is going on.
Kenny gets away, the other police stop Ioki for reckless driving, and hey, it's Old Jaded Cop! He didn't recognize Hanson because "his partner didn't have a bandage on his nose." Ooh, burn! That chase was pointless.
Back at Elmhurt High School English class. The teacher is babbling on about something boring. School! Always so boring! A petite brunette is giving Hanson fuck-me eyes, and throws a note on his desk. The teacher reads it aloud. "Hi, my name is Wendy and I love to party. I'll meet you after school. If you have a car, just tell me where it's at." Wendy, such a class act. The teacher is perturbed at Wendy using a preposition at the end of the sentence. Hanson calls the teacher a "'shmo." Firstly, who ever says that? And, when the line is delivered, it sounds totally dubbed in like he originally said something else. Hanson's punishment is that he has to join the drama club, which the English teacher advises. I'm noticing that I am being super careful to not end my sentences with a preposition.
Hanson is talking to Wendy in the hallway, but she doesn't hear him, because she's going on and on about how her mom thinks she's a tramp because she likes guys, and she's got glands and hormones and how her friend throught she had herpes. Basically, another depiction of a teenage girl as totally ditzy. She's also got her skirt cut up the front to show off her vulva.
Hanson sees Kenny walking down the hallway, so he thinks fast and does this:
Um, felony much?
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| "Did I do that?" |
Turns out Wendy has a big jock boyfriend who comes to rough up Hanson. "Lucky guy," he tells the jock, "she's a great kisser" and the jock throws him down the hall. I guess Penhall has been giving Hanson lessons on how to be a sassy pants!
Hanson swaggers into the drama club and the teacher is handing out the script, calling the group "thespians." I cringe as I wait for the obvious "Thespian sounds like lesbian" joke. "Hey, I'm not a thespian!" one kid jokes. "No, you're a homo!" another kid retorts. All laugh. Ha ha, homophobic insults are always good for a laugh. Woops, Kenny is also present. Hanson has the "look of bewilderment, slackjawed look" that Johnny Depp will later become famous for. They are paired up for a reading, and Hanson freaks out, but Kenny doesn't recognize him. Hanson also needs to see Hoffs again for hair advice, he's sporting some seriously crusty bangs here.
Hanson wards off ditsy Wendy from earlier, telling her he has herpes. Good strategy! He sees Kenny talking to Tyrell and his silent black accomplice in the parking lot. Tyrell tells him "you best chill" and pulls a switchblade. The principal catches them and they pretend they are friends just messing around. Kenny visits Tyrell in his massive chop shop where he's been stripping his Dad's Jag. Kenny gives him his camera and asks if they are even. Tyrell sneers. Ioki and Hanson follow Tyrell to a swanky restaurant. Hanson goes in to spy.
Tyrell kisses the waitress full on the mouth and then sits down with an older white gentlemen who I can only guess is a Jewish stereotype. They get up from the table, stand up, and exchange written information so the whole restaurant, including the undercover cop, and the home audience can clearly see. When they leave, they switch cars. Hanson signals to Ioki with a super-secret police signal. He stands at the curb and points wildly at the car they should follow.
Ioki still looks confused. He follows the older guy about six inches behind. Good work as usual, Ioki.
Hanson follows in a cab, who rear ends Tyrell. Tyrell sees Hanson and pulls a gun. Hanson stares like a deer in headlights, hoping to subdue Tyrell with his cheekbones. No such luck. Hanson calls Jenko at home, who apparently sleeps in the nude to tell him that he screwed up. Again. Suddenly Jenko doesn't care and tells them to arrest Kenny. Of course, because you can just arrest someone when they feel like it is suddenly a good time.
Kenny is getting his paper route ready when Tyrell pulls up, dressed like Freddie Mercury. Tyrell thanks him for his services, and rewards him with a vial of heroin telling him to "speedball it up." I guess I need to brush up on my drug lingo if I am going to be able to recap these.
Hanson rushes into school the next morning, desperately looking for Kenny. He barges into drama rehearsal looking for Kenny. Some snot says they saw him go to the gym, probably to "sniff some sneakers or sumfin'." Hanson runs to the gym. In the five seconds this has happened, Kenny has gone from this:
to this:
Hanson rushes in and callas the paramedics. At the same time, Ioki and Jenko bust in and arrest Older Guy Who Tyrell Switched Cars With. Ioki attemtps to read him the Miranda Rights, but I'm pretty sure he screws it up.
Hoffs and Hanson are at the hospital, and Hanson is all pissed that he didn't get to Tyrell in time. Hoffs tells him, "Look, when someone takes drugs, they're gonna die. Not right away, but eventually." Sure Hoffs, because we all die eventually. Stop being preachy. LEGALIZE IT!
Hanson goes in to talk to Kenny, who is a total brat. Hanson slaps him around a bit and says that he couldn't catch Kenny, but he wants to catch Tyrell. Kenny goes for one more push for an Emmy nod.
Hoffs and Penhall arrive on Penhall's motorcycle to an old warehouse. Oh, to be on the black of Penhall's bike! Soooo jealous. They are going to do an undercover drug deal. Which relies on Hoffs wearing the fringiest red jacket in the world and Penhall making his "serious" face.
Hoffs take the lead, because they need sexy girl bait and apparently she speaks Black. Hoffs goes in alone, which Jenko told her not to. Do these folks EVER do what is in their original orders? Tyrell rips her shirt open to see her bulletproof vest and the rest of the gang rushes in and there's a shootout. Lots of gunfire and gun-shooting faces all around.
They shoot Tyrell's henchmen, but Tyrell runs out, and Hanson plows his car into him. Of course he is not hurt, and a foot chase ensues. Hanson's teased hair and baggy jacket add some wind resistance, and they run through a subway tunnel, and Hanson almost doesn't get him. Except when he does.
Hanson tells the group he didn't finish reading him his rights, so someone needs to finish or the arrest will be invalid. Which is... totally a good point. Hoffs laughs it off, saying "Hanson, you never quit being a cop, do you? I like that in a man." WTF? He's being a cop now because HE NEEDS TO BE A COP RIGHT NOW. Also Hoffs, stop being so useless.
Noreen, Kenny's ditsy sister, comes to pick up Kenny from the hospital, wearing an outfit that can only be described as the "Jerrica" outfit as part of a Jem/Jerrica conversion ensemble.
You feel me? She tells Kenny that their parents didn't want to lay into him too much at first. Kenny says, "Well, I guess parents do that because they love you." Kids watching at home, take note.
Also present is Hanson, who makes peace with Kenny and is happy to be off duty, where he can wear pleated khakis and argyle sweater vests. And just be his good old Republican self.
Back at the chapel, Penhall is bitching that Hanson's only been with them a week and already he has done a major bust. And realizing we are nearing the end of the episode, the producers need to squeeze in more morality. How can they do that? Oh, I know:
Penhall slides down the pole (oh to be that pole) not knowing that Hanson was there listening, along with the denim mafia.
Hoffs tells Hanson he should take it as a complment. Hanson is looking for Jenko to debrief. Penhall tells him it's Friday night and to get a life. Hanson does. The best way he knows how: jamming on his sax with Jenko's hippie sixties band.
"Don't strain yourself bro," says Jenks, and luckily the credits roll before we have to hear the horrible band.
