"We'll go have nasty acrobatic sex in positions that you can't even draw" -Alice"Ah pretty much anyone can draw stick figures, so..." -Dan Patch
"Oh Jakey, I always want to remember you like this, when you still had your testicles." -Alice
"Okay listen, Bill Marsh is a sanitary napkin in a suit I get that." -Jake
"I'm chopping down the cherry tree." -Savannah
So, what do you think this episode was all about? Sex, sex, sex, and no sex. And the '80s. This episode was made for The Culture Brats. I think, at least the '80s part right? We are celebrating the 25th anniversary of the conception, I mean inception of The Hellcats at Lancer so of course we are having an '80s-themed party for spirit week. GOOO Helllcats! Listen, I know I'm not really a Hellcat but it's spirit week damn it, so I will refer to them as we. I have to say the party sequence where Coach Vanessa sings and dances while dressed up as Tina Turner was way less uncomfortable when she did the awkward little dance back in the "Ragged Old Flag" episode. I found myself reliving my high school days when I really dressed up like Madonna and went to school and got ridiculed by the softball team, *swigs wine*.
Um, where was I? Oh right, the party. You know it wouldn't be a party if someone didn't get drunk and throw a wrench in the spokes and that someone would be Wanda, Marti's mom who has a penchant for inappropriate behavior. See, Savannah has her night of deflowering all planned out for after the party. I think she must have spent about a thousand smackeroos to woo Dan into her web, only to have Wanda mention that Marti is in love with Dan Love, love, love I say! Which now has Dan second-guessing his little brain.The other side story here is that I now have a girl crush on Alice. I know this is silly but seriously that woman really does have balls. She commandeers a glossy magazine article that was supposed to be about the Lancer Football team and gives them a better, juicier and all together steamy story. I am pretty sure that Alice is going to sleep with the journalist, I just can't seem to remember her name.
Marti and Dan share a highly tense and awkward moment as Dan asks her if he is making a mistake with Savannah. Marti is all like "Nope, my lips are sealed." Well she might have said something like "I have nothing to say, blah blah, something, something, have you seen Lewis 'Does this crooked' Flynn?"Oh yes, yes, YES. The climactic ahhending. Savannah, through a series of events (and by events I mean two conversations she had, one with Marti and one with Dan) discovers that, and oh my god can you even guess what is about to be revealed? Marti and Dan chopped down each other's cherry tree. In the back of a Buick. In the middle of nowhere. And it was good for what it was. Which turns Savannah inside out and thrusts her out of the hotel room in slow motion, barefoot with her face all twisted with emotion as she leaves Dan in the bathroom trying to figure out how to get the damn condom wrapper open.
And that is somewhat more exciting then most people's first attempt at chopping down the old cherry tree.
